Health Secretary Matt Hancock said this afternoon that if the Covid vaccine causes “any unforeseen circumstances to male fertility” he would go the extra mile and become a sperm donor for effected couples. This outraged Piers Morgan who immediately took to Twitler to vent his anger.
“IT’S MY JOB TO LOWER THE COLLECTIVE IQ, NOT HIS!!”
bellowed Morgan in capital letters. Thankfully, the vaccine can’t turn you into Piers Morgan said one relieved twitter user.
Sympathy For The Devil
The Social Media storm continued when Mick Jagger controversially tweeted “I won’t get no, Covid vaccine!” and was then immediately suspended from Twitler.
Show Me Your Papers
Matt Hancock who went on to say that the government has no plans to reintroduce plague carts, as suggested by top turnip Carol Codswallop of the Guardian, and he totally refuted rumours that the Pfizer vaccine contains traces of chlorinated chicken. There will be no vaccination passports and no compulsory vaccines for anyone who obeys the governments clear and strict instructions, clarified a senior adviser afterwards.
“I’m not dead yet!”
Hancock ended on a defiant note when asked for a reaction to Bill Gates saying the lockdown should be extended until 2042,
“I don’t take my orders from Bill Gates!”
said the ‘health’ secretary before hurriedly leaving the press conference after receiving a text alert.
Opposition came in the form of ex Labour party leader, and now ex Labour MP, Jeremy Corbyn, reading from a pre-prepared statement he said,
“It’s important to remember that the virus also has rights.”
before blaming Capitalism for Manchester United’s poor start to the season.
The Moronic Variant
The vaccine can turn you into a moron – and it may be too late for some.
In times of uncertainty many internet conspiracies flourish and none more so than the latest vaccine theory from the far-right group ‘mumsnet’ which claims a secretive group of Biden supporters are using the vaccine to turn people into mindless morons, a fact vigorously disputed by panelists at CNN. Other theories include, the vaccine attacks and restructures DNA and mitochondrial RNA, turning victims into barely functioning Zombies. This might explain Sky News recent output and reports that Fake News Juggernauts, Kay Burley and Beth Rigby had been adversely effected by the IQ reducing vaccine. These rumours were immediately denied by Sky News who said that Kay Burley and Beth Rigby were busy updating their CV’s and were unavailable for comment.
Two people who haven’t been effected by the brain retarding vaccine are forgotten royal couple Harry and Meghan, who had volunteered to take the vaccine live on TV (if the news media promised to talk about them again). Harry refused to be drawn on the subject when questioned by The_Voids intrepid roving reporter, Henrietta Harriott.
“Being ginger I already have an underlying condition”
said the carrot coned Ponce.
For anyone concerned about taking a possibly dangerous vaccine for a mostly non dangerous virus, don’t worry…
It’s worth noting that the creme of British virtue signallers will be first in the queue to get jabbed.